One of the most common questions I’ve received in response to my initial post on parenting is summed up in this email I received from a concerned mom:
My question is—what things would you suggest we do to find these opportunities?! Do we need to move? If the invitation is not there to witness godly families in their home, and we have asked for it, but not received it, do we keep asking? . . . Your advice to your friend is wonderful, but what would you tell that friend to do if they did not have access to a church like yours?
I expect this is a pretty common response, so let me take it from a couple different angles.
First, I’m always skeptical of the “Well, that’s great for you, but we don’t have a church like yours,” response. It betrays a mistrust of God’s provision for you and bitterness over the circumstances He’s called you to. It’s not healthy.
Whenever you find yourself complaining about the church God has placed you in, you need to carefully examine yourself. God is wise in where He places us, and while we need to be wise and discerning about which church we commit to, we are not called to sit in judgment on the people of God. You don’t come to the body of Christ with a consumer-oriented, me-and-mine-first mentality. You come as a child of God who has been called to a community of faith by your heavenly Father.
No church is perfect and no church is going to be everything you think it needs to be. Or everything you feel like it needs to be for you and your family. That’s partly why you’re there. You’ve been called to build up the body, and you’ve been given gifts that allow you to see where needs need to be met. As you submit to the leadership of your church your gifts will be used to help the church grow in godliness.
This does not mean you become the youth group nag. Many, many people pick churches based on what they think will best serve their children. And then spend their time trying exercise the same control over the children and youth programs of the church that they have in their families. Or complaining about every little thing that doesn’t meet their purely subjective standards for how the church should serve their family. Which, of course, is ridiculous. Suffocating.
You need to understand that God is kind and generous and kids are resilient. You don’t need to find the perfect church. You just need to find a good church that loves God and loves Scripture. Otherwise, you’re just a part of the problem. You’re another family that’s not serving, helping, leading, showing hospitality.
God has placed you where you live and He’s going to provide the means you need to become good parents—if you’re faithful in seeking them out. You don’t need to fear or freak out. You need to trust God and persist in pursuing good families to be around, good things to read to help you, outside friends and family that you trust for counsel, and lots and lots of prayer.
If there truly isn’t a good church in your area with healthy, hospitable, and willing families, then God will be your teacher as you serve what church He has given you. And perhaps you’ll become one of those families for others. No church is perfect and God has a way of compensating for circumstances with those who are faithfully pursuing Him.
But the last thing I’d say to you is that nothing is more important than being in a place where you can be a part of a church body that can help you. Especially if you’re broken. Because the destruction of the family is so widespread, there truly are areas of the country where this is extremely difficult. Or rather, there are precious few places where it’s possible. And there are some families that need more help than others—that aren’t equipped to make it in a weaker church.
Part of the difficulty in making a decision to move is that it’s awfully hard to tell how bad things are if you still aren’t sure what healthy is—if you’re too twisted to really be able to see how wrong things are. If you feel that lost, if you truly feel like you’re drowning, then getting real help is a top priority. Move if you need to. And soon. Go where you know there is a healthy church with good and godly families.
It would be better for you and your children to live in a trailer park on a janitor’s salary in a good church where you’re marriage and home are healthy than to drown where you live now without the proper help and care. Because in the end, you’re going to stand before God accountable for your children. If people move for jobs, why not for a church? Your souls and the souls of your children are much more precious than that.
Just be careful! If you’re just the average malcontent, the church you move for will soon disappoint you. No church is perfect. And then what happens when you’re let down by the “ideal” church? Are you going to become so bitter with God that you find no room among the people of God? Quite possibly.
And who will suffer then? The very people you’re pretending to protect: your children. They need to grow up around imperfect Christians. They need to learn to love sinners.
But if you just feel inadequate and are longing for guidance, then be encouraged. That’s normal. In the end, you won’t be good parents until you realize that you can’t be good parents without the help, power, and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
That means that you need to hit walls. So you should be grateful when God makes you hit walls and pushes you to trust Him more. And you should trust Him to continue to provide for you. The church you’re at is probably just what you need, and being there is His gift to you.
